When Students and Parents Give You an F

Hey, Teachers!

We do our best with students, families, and colleagues, to bring about positive learning and performance outcomes while battling numerous limitations and interpersonal challenges in school settings. And right alongside our efforts, talents, credibility, experiences, genuine care and concern, and diligence, are challenges in communication, intent, purpose, and cohesion among all those involved in student success.

❎ We often face communication breakdowns and disrespect.

❎ This can negatively affect and impact our teacher self-image and teacher self-efficacy. 

We might even decide classroom hurdles are too great to surmount, so we discontinue our careers as teachers, especially when students are unruly, difficult to reach, seem so resistant to learning instruction becomes nearly impossible, have parents or guardians who attack and demean us, or have accommodations and modifications that don't seem to align with mandates, policies, or teacher input about best practices.

When students and parents give you an F (such as verbally, running to the office, reporting things to make you look bad, keeping notes on you, sending bold and angry emails, getting admin to work against you, spreading rumors, fighting your good will, or holding you accountable for missed assignments or learning deficits or gaps) this can result in feeling hopeless, incompetent, unsupported, defeated, or clueless about how to turn things around or even keep going as a teacher.

Teachers struggling to do well and to feel efficacious is not an anomaly in this profession. 

How do we "bounce back" after being threatened, put down, unsupported, or harassed? Although personal and professional growth is necessary because it's the crux of good teaching, students and parents who dismiss our efforts, chalk up our abilities as subpar, or pour fuel on the fire of an existing problem we just want to solve to strengthen instructional outcomes and help kids...can cause major damage.

How do we cope? How do we increase our positivity when we're crumbling inside?

Following are SIX TIPS on how to "bounce back" and cope if you've been cornered, criticized, or disrespected repeatedly, and it's affecting your internal dialogue, confidence, and hope.

👉🏼Because there IS hope if you can dodge the threats creatively and emphasize what you're doing right in your classroom "garden". Here are some ways to combat feeling like a failure when others are "writing you up" for one reason or another:

1. Recognize and rely upon your own credibility and knowledge. When we're attacked, put down, or humiliated as classroom teachers, how we handle those thoughts and emotions will make a difference in the outcomes both for us and our students.

You can change your thinking about the circumstance. And that can change how you feel. Accusations and unfair targeting hurt. Students who team up against us or resist instruction are challenging. Parents who don't agree with our goals, objectives, classroom management strategies, or consequences for poor behavior can make the teaching environment very uncomfortable and daunting.

Changing your thinking means

🔀 Instead of believing what others say, stand firm on what you know to be true about yourself. Develop clearer definitions of teacher self-image that empower you in times of trouble on the job.

🔀 Instead of allowing yourself to be cornered, reclaim your power in every interaction (email, in-person) thoughtfully, kindly, and with purpose (this includes positive reframing in conversations with students and avoiding the pitfalls of getting too emotional and showing that as a weakness to students or parents).

2. Recognize your authority and unique stewardship over students. Avoid letting others dictate your self-worth and dignity on the job. You were hired to run this class. Take a lens to some strategies that may not have worked the way you'd hoped, and quietly contemplate what you need to do to fix it. Avoid admitting error after error to anyone. This will only dig a deeper ditch for you in the eyes of students, personnel, supervisors, or community members who've decided they don't like you or want to target you.

This kind of introspection means

🔀 Instead of immediately accepting others' disapproval and criticism of you and your teaching persona, take a step back and assess the true situation so internally, you're on top and know where you need to go to create a different outcome.

🔀 Instead of adopting negative self-talk about your strengths as a professional, turn that ship around and start with what you're doing well, then develop a clear plan-of-action about how you'll reignite your authoritative roles in the classroom and with parents and guardians in communication. Stop doubting yourself.

3. Believe in your students. Students who are throwing darts, mouthing off, resisting our efforts, pushing away learning opportunities, belittling other kids, shutting down, skipping class, enjoying being "class clown" and derailing instruction, purposely throwing you off to get reactions, being loud and off-task, becoming violent with objects in the classroom, or accelerating angry behaviors that threaten classroom safety are crying out (and some may need a team plan to get back on track or to support mental health issues). Finding what will motivate your students is THE solution to every student disconnect challenge.

Avoid becoming a bitter teacher (or person) believing students these days are past the point of no return.

Don't let yourself get to that point.

This kind of intervention means

🔀 Instead of approaching your class and students who seem to be against you the same way as you have been, take several steps back and inquire the causes of undesired behaviors. You might be part of the problem (and many of us cringe at having to look inward at teaching and relationship-building mistakes; we're teachers; we have it together)...but looking inward is paramount if there is major disconnect between you and a student or you and your class as a whole. Stay open, humble, and willing to grow as an educator.

🔀 Instead of making the student or the class the "problem", replace your challenge(s) with a positive angle. No student is a problem. No class is a problem. The problem is in the communication and shared goals. You may have students who do not value what you value and therefore, don't want to do the work in your class or for you. You may have students who are so preoccupied with their own emotional and survival needs (hunger, problems at home, environment, anxiety, identity, fears of acceptance) that your lesson is the last thing they care about. You may have a preschooler who is traumatized. How can you build the bridge between students and the content? What's missing? Have you truly given this all you've got? Intuition is key. Love is too.

This might require a complete restructure of the unit or lesson planning to augment motivation and self-efficacy among your students.

4. Build your own support system. When you face the toughest class you've ever had or a myriad of concerns with a parent or guardian who seems to be at your throat from the get-go, or all of a sudden because things that had been going fine are no longer harmonious, you need support. Find likeminded teachers and other staff who can both (a) relate to your experiences; and (b) offer effective strategies for remediating the situation. As a good rule of thumb, your support system should be trusted colleagues and friends, not necessarily mentors, supervisors, or evaluators, with minor exceptions. 

Building a support system means

🔀 Instead of assuming you're the only one who's ever faced this or you're the only one this year going through such a challenge, reach out to your tiny trusted circle with careful questioning. You might be surprised about teacher stories that look just like yours and you might learn some new "tricks of the trade" in developing solutions you hadn't thought about in this way before.

🔀 Instead of being in denial about the severity of a situation, be honest with yourself, and this includes sharing only what's necessary with your supervisors. You want to appear competent, level-headed, in-control, reliable, and strong related to EVERY challenge with students and parents. Never divulge how scared or worried you are about your instruction or classroom management unless you believe it will help the greater good (such as threats to classroom safety that necessitate a plan to support individual students who might be at risk of harming themselves or others). Always advocate for students in your communication. Students are the reason you come to work and the reason you want things to work out. Emphasize those goals directly to students and parents.

5. Get to your supervisor first. This is a strategy that will save you time, heartache, and having to prove your credibility after-the-fact. One of your implied, unlisted job duties as a teacher is to put out fires before they burn out of control. You want to rectify communication breakdowns with students and parents as quickly as possible, so you can get your class moving in the right direction and get people off your back who are looking for a fight or someone to blame for things you didn't cause. Part of navigating this tricky territory is getting to your supervisor before students or parents who are going to complain about you make that phone call, send that email, or visit the office. 

Getting to your supervisor first means

🔀 Instead of waiting to "see what happens" while you're working hard to fix the disconnect in class, alert your supervisor of the general situation you're concerned about and what you're doing to improve it. (Cc'ing on emails is a quick and effective strategy.) State your positive intentions with students and plan for increased instructional effectiveness, interpersonal connectivity, and meeting the needs of individual learners. Avoid complaining about a parent or guardian. You don't know how that information will land. But you do know you want everyone to see you as a team player. And you want your supervisor to know what to expect during a visit to your in-person or online classroom.

🔀 Instead of having to defend yourself later, make a list of everything you're already doing to keep effective communication and positive solutions at the forefront, to share with your supervisor now. This includes alignment with IEP or 504 documentation, self-initiated accommodations you've already made to remedy off-task behaviors in class or complaints about your procedures and policies, and reiterating how much you care about student success and learning. 

Of course, "getting to admin first" isn't always necessary to keep things running smoothly, and we don't want to bombard supervisors with our concerns, bringing a negative spotlight to ourselves and our professionalism. You don't want to be running to the office on a weekly basis looking like you can't handle the job. But definitely decide how severe the situation is in your class or whether you think the "parent attack" is going to continue. Trust your gut and cover your bases early, especially with students who are emotionally unstable.

6. Emphasize feelings, not content. When students and parents are angry with us, that's all about feelings. And there are other emotions and feelings that accompany student and parent choices to lash out at the teacher. We live in a day and age that doesn't protect us the way we used to be protected as practitioners. 

Emphasizing feelings with students and parents means

🔀 Instead of proving how you're right or trying to make a consistent point about the content, curriculum, policies, procedures, policies, or whatever else is on the table as problematic, focus on the feelings your students and parents might be experiencing. When you ask questions to get to the root of the attack on you as the teacher, you'll make much more headway with individual students and their families. 

🔀 Instead of dying on the mountain of principles, rules, and regulations, address how you can help this student (or group of students) succeed. Find out what is discouraging them, why they are uncomfortable in your class, what they need, how they feel in class or with other students in that class, and how your words and actions affect their feelings of self-confidence and motivation.

Of course, there is no one-size-fits-all in the art of teaching.

When we receive an F, and we're doing our best to meet and often exceed, job expectations, it hits us like a ton of bricks. 

We ask ourselves: Why? Why me? Why now? 

We should be asking ourselves: How? How can I remedy this? What's the path that will draw in my learners? 

Am I willing to change?

Inevitably, there are students and parents we don't reach. Some school years are worse than others. There are students who do frighten us and some families who could retaliate. 

Good teachers embrace hardship, work to resolve conflict, seek to improve students' lives, and are keen in developing strategies that both protect themselves and their reputations and underscore powerful learning environments. 

An F from a student or parent means there's a problem that needs to be addressed to accomplish greater teaching outcomes. It doesn't make the evaluation true or untrue. And it shouldn't break our enthusiasm or diminish who we are as teachers. 

Good teachers integrate negative feedback as opportunities for greater success. Our students teach us how to teach them.